How Not To Get Customers Into Your Bar

  1. Your first goal should be to own a sports bar frequented by sweaty, over-weight men there only to jeer at passing college coeds during commercial breaks.
  2. Next, ignore your clientele (the sweaty, over-weight men) and turn said bar into a “trendy night club” during the evenings. Don’t forget the colored dancing lights and disco ball.
  3. You could always name your bar “The American” and pick a prime location near a liberal university in one of the western-most states.
  4. Or, you could play “Hollaback Girl”, that horrendous song from Gewn Stefani’s latest and equally horrendous album. Yes, even remixes played during “night club” hours will chase customers away.
  5. If all else fails and you still find yourself with an occasional patron, then hire bouncers that beg on their knees to all passing by to enter your establishment. You get extra bounses- and less customers- by hiring extra-creepy bouncers who promise free drinks to anyone who even remotely resembles a female.

Sipping Poison

My former boss asked me how I felt today.

How do I feel? I feel like I was really thirsty. So thirsty, that I asked for a glass of water. A woman I didn’t know agreed, and soon returned with a glass of clear liquid that she set down in front of me. Grateful, I thanked her and gulped the liquid down. It was only then that I noticed the liquid smelled and tasted funny. The woman had brought me a glass of poison instead of water. And being so thirsty, I foolishly drank it before realizing.

That’s how I feel. That’s how I feel about working for one day, riding the bus for two hours to get home, only to walk in the door, answer the phone and have my newfound “employer” call to say that she found someone better. Someone who had a science background. Someone who could comprehend the chemical reaction between baking soda and vinegar for a children’s rocket kit more than me. But it’s not about me, it’s because I, the creative writer, don’t know anything about science and they specialize in science kits for young children. I’m a wonderful writer and have amazing design skills, so it really isn’t me. It’s just that it won’t work out even though they originally asked for a creative writer with design skills. It’s because I’m a creative writer that I can’t possibly understand those kits, and therefore can’t possibly write the marketing materials for them.

I told my former boss that I was very bitter.