Voice of Reason

Why is it that while drunk, my drunken voice of reason seems more reasonable than my sober voice of reason? Witness:

“OMG! I should lock the door because I’m taking a shower during in close proximity to the time that Tyler and our friend Jeff will be here. Wait! If I lock the door and happen to drunkenly slip in the shower and knock myself out, there’s no way that Tyler can help me. Besides, it’d probably take him 30 minutes of playing Super Smash Bros. with Jeff before he realized something was wrong. I should keep the door unlocked because it’s obvious that someone’s taking a shower in here with the water running and the only person brazen enough to walk in the bathroom is Tyler, who’s seen my naked wet breasts on more than one occasion and whom also happens to live here.”

“OMG! I shouldn’t drink this last glass of wine because I had the equivalent of a half a bottle of wine already, and I will soon be going out to a bar with friends to have beer and fatty foodstuffs! But, it’s such a waste of wine! NO! NO! I must resist because if I drink this wine here and now, I will probably start puking after my first glass of beer. And that’s no good because I have a drunken writer image to uphold. And no one will believe me when I describe how little food and how much wine I’ve consumed before 6 o’clock in the evening. And then I’ll make an utter fool of myself and my drunken writer image will be on shaky ground! OMG NO!”

“OMG! There’s a brown spot on the toilet bowl that I have only partially noticed during the past week (i.e. the last friday when I got piss drunk on beer and my intestines sorely regretted it in the morning)! I should clean that small but obvious spot with the toilet bowl brush right now because it’s likely that Tyler and our friend Jeff will be here soon and Jeff may need to use the toilet. Because Jeff is a man and not a woman, it’s also likely that he will be staring into the toilet bowl. Wait! Women also stare into the toilet because they are inherently cleaner than men! I should clean the toilet right now just in case Tyler brings home a woman as well!”

“OMG! There’s old laundry on the bathroom floor! I must clean the panties up right now because Tyler and our friend Jeff will be here soon and Jeff may need to use the bathroom! It’s totally not proper for a lady to leave her used panties on the bathroom floor—especially in the presence of a guest. Tyler’s boxers are totally expected, because … well… he’s Tyler. And everyone knows how Tyler is now. But my panties? Totally inexcusable. I should put those somewhere totally hidden. Not the dirty clothes pile in the bedroom because Mary has a tendency to walk into the room and leave the door wide open so everyone can see the mess we hide in here. But, instead, the washing machine! OMG! I’m so fuckin’ brilliant! No guest is ever going to look in our washing machine because it’s a freakin’ washing machine and that’s where dirty panties go. And then there’s the fact that there’s a big freakin’ noisy double doorage blocking the washing machine, so if a guest in our has happened to have a dirty panty fetish, I’d hear when the opened the doors and would have plenty of time to scream loudly and expose their nasty dirty panty fetish!”

“OMG! There’s a tiny piece of tampon wrapper on the floor that is bright yellow! How the hell did I miss this?!? OMG! I need to clean that up right now. But not only that, I must flush it down the toilet in case Tyler and our friend Jeff—who will be here soon—come in and Jeff needs to use the bathroom! Must immediately obliterate all evidence of being a woman!”

“OMG! I need to stop writting this crazy drunken blog post and put clothes on because Tyler and our friend Jeff will be here soon and I don’t want anyone other than Tyler to see me buck naked—save for a towel on my head—while I frantically type this post out as I sit on the bed. That’s just totally gross and sexual and a sight only for my boyfriend whom I share an apartment with. And the dog, because the dog doesn’t give a damn about anything other than food, pissing on the grass outside, and attention.”

“OMG! This post needs no edits! Wait! That’s because I’m super freakin’ drunk and my standard of quality has gone about 50% lower than usual! OMGLOL!”