What’s In My Pants

It’s been awhile and I’m bored. So I played a little blog game I’m calling “In my pants.” The game is as follows: play your iPod, or other collection of pirated music on Random. Add the words “In My Pants” at the end of the title to the first 30 songs. I’ve bolded the funniest since it’s such a long list.

  1. Clemek: Supermarket In My Pants
  2. Loreena McKennitt: The Mummer’s Dance In My Pants
  3. Fiona Apple: O’ Sailor In My Pants
  4. The Darkness: I Believe In A Thing Called Love In My Pants
  5. Blue Six: Let’s Do It Together In My Pants
  6. mcA T : Bomb A Head In My Pants
  7. Rusted Root: Send Me On My Way In My Pants
  8. Audioslave: What You Are In My Pants
  9. Garbage: I think I’m Paranoid In My Pants
  10. Manu Chao: La Primavera In My Pants
  11. The Beatles: You Never Give Me Your Money In My Pants
  12. Collective Soul: Needs In My Pants
  13. The Who: 1921 In My Pants
  14. Apartment 26: Axel Off In My Pants
  15. Tomoyasu Hotei: Immigrant Song In My Pants
  16. Loituma: Ieva’s Polka In My Pants
  17. No Doubt: Different People In My Pants
  18. Angel City: Love Me Right In My Pants
  19. The Seatbelts: Fingers In My Pants
  20. Death Cab For Cutie: The Face That Launced 1000 Ships In My Pants
  21. Donovan: Mellow Yellow In My Pants
  22. Europe: The Final Countdown In My Pants
  23. Pink Martini: Amado Mio In My Pants
  24. The Shins: So Says I In My Pants
  25. Joan Osborne: St. Teresa In My Pants
  26. Snap: Rhythm Is A Dancer In My Pants
  27. Bright Eyes: Something Vague In My Pants
  28. Live: The Waitress In My Pants
  29. Melissa Etheridge: I’m the Only One In My Pants
  30. The Rolling Stones: Mean Disposition In My Pants

Dreams For A New Aged Future

One of my dreams is to earn a Master’s in creative writing.

One of my dreams is to live in Japan and teach English for a year—or two.

My biggest dream is to support myself with my writing. Of course I want to write the fun stuff—novels, short stories, movie scripts, an ocassional essay for the Paris Review. But I’m also happy with the “not fun stuff”—technical manuals and documents, web content, help articles. And I’m close to making a living writing the “not fun stuff”. The only thing stopping me is the “making a living” part. I have yet to earn enough money (or enough of a steady flow of money) to consistently pay the bills and provide medical care for both me and my aging dog. Hell, I don’t even ask for medical insurance right now, although it’s mighty nice to have. I just want a roof over my head and to be able to afford the dentist and my dog’s meaty perscription dog food. And I don’t want my boyfriend to continue footing the overflow of things I can’t afford.

I’ve had these dreams for a long time now. And I feel a significant part of my current depression stems from being frustrated at not having adequtely moved towards the life I dream about. Now, mind you, I’m not saying that my depression is only because I’m frustrated with where my life is (or isn’t), but that this feeling has made the dull seed of depression I’ve lived with since my mother died flare up.

Just the other day, I came across the following exerpt from a book written by Sonia Choquette, an apparent psychic and New Age guru:

Take fifteen minutes a day to mentally tend your imagination garden. Just before bed is often a good time. Because the subconscious mind responds very well to ritual, pick a special outfit to wear when going into your creative garden. (Pajamas are fine, if they are special.) Putting on special clothes will prime your subconscious mind and put it into the receptive mode.

…When I have created the proper ambiance, I close my eyes and meditate on my Heart’s Desire. I try to envision it as a movie that I am starring in, rather than simply watching from afar. I enjoy my creative movie for a few moments, then open my eyes. Finally, I write down what I want to create, and then I read it back, out loud.

I took the liberty to cut out parts where she talks about how she wears a sacred kimono, lights incense, and listens to soothing meditation music to create her proper ambience. Whacky spiritual New Age pajamas and music aside, I feel like Sonia is the best free counselor I could have accidently run into. And I have a random Google search on something completely unrelated to thank. Maybe it was a good, healthy dose of New Age Fate.

I strongly believe there is something to be said for the imagination and meditation. I can see how using those two together in the way described above makes one feel happier and more empowered. It also focuses the mind and allows for a clearer understanding of what one desires in their life, which in turn hopefully allows them to see a clearer pathway towards that desire.

Now excuse me while I go find some spirital PJs and dust off the high school flame’s CD full of New Age music he composed and performed. I have a happy imagination garden to go tend to, where I am a well-fed writer earning royalties from a movie script and few literary novels.


I’ve been carefully censoring everything I write here due to my paranoia that people at every job I apply to make their way here from my portfolio site. And while censoring, I’ve noticed that my writing has become stale and deflated. I don’t enjoy it anymore because I think about every little detail and whether or not it will come back to haunt me.

I know for a fact that some potential employers do find their way to this site. But I have only had one very uncomfortable experience where the woman interviewing me grilled me on comments I wrote three years ago in which she had completely misconstrued as an attack at the University of Washington (her employer).

Over a year after graduating college, I’m still not in a full-time permanent position and I’m beginning to feel that censoring myself doesn’t matter. I also have a lot going on in my life, and the best way for me to heal is to write about it. In the past, I’ve tried paper journals, filling a handful of pages maybe once every month. And while that may be the smartest option for me considering some of the touchy subject matter of my current life, this blog is the only thing where I am able to consistently write and heal. While I’m not planning on going into detail about interviews and other inappropriate subjects, I do feel that it’s time for me to open up more and talk about the depression I’ve been dealing with.

Depression is one of those illnesses that many people misunderstand, including me and my boyfriend—two people who live with it everyday. I was afraid that if I were to talk about my experiences, it would hurt any potential employment. However, I realized that I’ve been trying really hard to get better and that perhaps sharing my troubles and solutions might touch at least one person who stumbles upon this humble blog. Or it may not. But at the very least, I know releasing everything I’ve caged up will help me fight my illness. And if that means someone who intends to interview me stumbles across an entry about depression and decides not to interview me or offer me the job despite my efforts to become a happy and healthy person, then I don’t want to work for them anyway.