Not Real Classifieds

But wouldn’t it be cool if they were?

WANTED: steadfast person with quick organizational skills and willing to work 3 hours a week. Duties include sawing, heaving and farting. Starting pay is 9 dollars per hour. Please apply in person at: 12 down third street.

LOST: Our dodo, Patricia, was lost on the corner of Mother and Dresden streets. She is red and fuchsia and very shiny. Reward of 12 dollars is offered for her safe return.

hairy prostitute looking for work. i am willing to heave and hold for 3 dollars per hour. I am very skilled at barfing as well. I can provide odiferous character references.

That last one is worthy of classified section of the Stranger. By the way, these came from a madlib generator I randomly found whilst searching for something totally unrelated.