The World Without Logos

My life isn’t a particularly interesting one. I go to school in the morning, work at a Jewish Community center for a couple of hours afterwards, catch the bus home and then lay around and do nothing during the time that I should be doing homework. Sometimes my dog acts like she had a whiff of catnip so I sit on the floor and play with her. But most of the time, I don�t go anywhere or experience anything worthy of being in a movie.

Despite what I feel to be a typical life, I find inspiring moments that I want to write about every day. Most days there’s at least one image in my mind that I replay over and over again, wishing nothing more than to write about. On particularly inspiring days- days that I woke up happy, refreshed and stress-free- I have many images in my head that I want to write.

Lately, those images have stayed in my head, unable to flow through my blood, through my fingers and into words. This makes me more unhappy than I’ve been recently. I have homework I don’t like (German always does that to me), a professor that makes people in my class cry, and the fall weather has depressed me ever since my mother died three years ago. But worst of all, I lack the confidence to do what I love best. I lack the confidence to write.

Perhaps it has something to do with the creative writing class I’m in. Perhaps it has something to do with depression. Perhaps it’s because I’m too sensitive to my style and story ideas, realizing that I’m nothing compared to the masters of fiction. Perhaps it’s a million different reasons all rolled together with seaweed and rice. I really don’t know what my problem is, but it’s frustrating.

I told myself that I would write something today. It didn’t matter what it was, but it had to be something. And here it is. My essay on why I can’t write. It’s a topic that many people talk about, especially in blogs. It’s also a topic that has been examined too many times. But after having written this, I can see why. It gets one to write and it gets them to think about why they haven’t been able to write. My next step is to write something more creative than an essay. After that, I want to write something every day. This is a constant struggle with me, which is why I started this blog. At first it worked, but that’s because I had extra time on my hands. Given my habit of procrastination and my current state of homework, this won’t be easy.