Iconolatric Cookies

A couple of days ago, Tyler and I spotted a pair of pudgy Girl Scouts sagely set-up near the coffee/WiFi lounge at the U-Village QFC. I approached them with purpose, knowing that I was going to buy one box of Tagalongs and one box of Thin Mints and hand them exactly six dollars and no change. As we reached the table, the girls wrung their hands anxiously like pygmy flea marketeers. “Would you like some Girl Scout cookies?” the pudgiest one asked when I had already pulled my wallet out and was leafing through my one dollar bills.

Would I like some Girl Scout cookies? It’s been so many years since I’ve last had Girl Scout cookies. Since I can remember, I’ve had an internal Girl Scout Cookie Clock. But I suppose it was broken for the first three years of college as the alarm would sound mere weeks after the sale. I would be left with the insatiable and unfulfilled craving for Thin Mints and Tagalongs that nothing else could appease (not even the Grasshoppers). Trembling from desire, my stomach would churn and growl for days on end, leaving me to gaze mournfully at the silken chocolaty portraits of my yearnings on www.girlscoutcookiesabc.com until classes got the better of me and I reset my gimp cookie alarm for next year.

An hour after securing my first Thin Mints and Tagalongs in years, I was reclining in my “executive leather” computer chair, relishing the superior peanut-buttery goodness of ecstasy.

“Would you want your kids to be in Girl Scouts?” Tyler randomly asked from his throne of pillows piled at the head of the bed.

“Sure. If they want to be Girl Scouts, why not? Wouldn’t you?”

“Nah, I’d encourage them to play at least one sport, like soccer. They wouldn’t really benefit from Girl Scouts.”

Horrified, I exclaimed, “It’s fuckin’ Girl Scouts! They gain valuable social skills by being able to interact with other girls who won’t pick on them or make fun of them. Besides, I was never in Girl Scouts and to this day I wonder what it was all about. It’s a national icon, you know?”

“Isn’t that Boy Scouts?” he inquired.

“No-oo,” I answered rather indignantly. “Who gives a shit about them? They don’t sell cookies every year.”


  1. Whoops. Oh well. I always make stupid mistakes like that because I don't carefully revise my posts. Sometimes I keep finding things after I posted them on my website and will spend ten or so minutes making change after change.

  2. "…not even the Grasshoppers."
    Did you mean to do that? I think it's really cool and funny, so if you didn't, keep it. It's like they're their own entity.

  3. Woohoo! I'm famous!
    What's wrong with grasshoppers? I don't see the mistake.

  4. "The" would be the key. The Grasshoppers are coming. They're going to get you.