Sidewalk Peeves

While we�re on lists:

  1. Non-elderly people who walk really slow in the middle of a narrow sidewalk, thus hindering oncoming pedestrians and those wishing to pass.
  2. People who walk in a large gaggle, consuming the entire sidewalk and forcing everyone else to walk through mud. Hey, just because you wear Prada shoes doesn’t mean that everyone else has to ruin their shoes and pants, you cancer-ridden, wrinkle-infested sorority whores.
  3. People who walk shoulder-to-shoulder with two or three others and expect anyone walking towards them to jump in the bushes/mud. I grew up with five tortuous boys and survived an overcrowded high school with hallways thinner than a sidewalk, so don’t think I can’t and won’t shoulder by just because you can shove innocent old ladies and lost Japanese tourists out of your way.
  4. People who dart around someone and jump into the path of an oncoming pedestrian. As in driving, wait until oncoming traffic is clear before passing.
  5. People who shoulder someone while passing from behind, especially if they are carrying shopping bags stuffed with hardback books or other equally sturdy wares that tend to leave bruises.


  1. They should place offenders in bubbles filled with helium, so that when ever they act like assfucks, we can punt them across the street.

  2. 6. Assholes who take on the elderly or invalid because they want to run quickly up to the crosswalk and stand around looking dumb for five minutes while they wait for the walky person to appear.

  3. 7. Men who don't move aside for sexy women and even push past sexy women, marring the beauty of their silky, delicate shoulders. We sexy women work hard to look sexy, so don't go ruining all of our work you "wankers"!

  4. Normally, I'd say, "Tyler, why the hell you bein' so mean? That's my job, bitch." But after driving for all of 10 minutes in rush hour traffic to get home, I say: HELL YEAH! BOOT THEM IN THE HEAD.
    Now I want to slam down a couple of drinks. Sadly, there's no one to slam down drinks with. My life is meaningless.