Sonic Waves of Pulsating Doom

I replaced the toothbrush head on my Sonicare today because I had been using the other one longer than six months. When it comes to your standard everyday hand-operated toothbrush, I’m really good about replacing them by the six month of use. In fact, I usually loose them before that time. If I don’t loose them, I usually throw them out because they’ve been stained with red wine from one of my college binge drinking events. But when it comes to a Sonicare toothbrush replacement that costs roughly $9 per a brush (versus free toothbrushes from the dentist), I conveniently forget how long I’ve been using any particular attachment.

So, I replaced my Sonicare toothbrush head today, and it freaked me out. Its noise level doubled and I could feel sonic waves pulsating down to the very root-tips of my teeth, spreading outwards through the rest of my body. When I moved the toothbrush to my upper teeth, waves pulsated through my brain and violated the roots of my hair so violently I began to wonder if I would go bald, and if anyone would believe that it was the fault of Sonicare. What would have happened if my fillings popped out? The fact that I have two-point-five fillings is a constant source of internal grief, and I’d be terribly angry if I had to replace those two-point-five fillings at any date in the near future.

I don’t remember replacing the last toothbrush head as being such a big deal. Perhaps my money-mongering ways made me wait a little too long this time. But think of what $9 could buy! That’s twelve packs of gum, eight of my favorite ball point pens, seven bagels with cream cheese, three bubble teas, and almost one paperback book.


  1. I could really use seven bagels with cream cheese right now.
    I'm sooo hungry.